"why I am the way I am" part 2

Ok, I left off graduating highschool. That July I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He saved my life in so many ways. My little miracle. But I still had depression to deal with and struggles ahead. I stayed with my baby's father cause I thought I belonged nowhere else. We were awful for eachother but i loved his family. I thought I owed it to them to stay. Being told how worethless you are your whole life kinda sticks to the soul and leaves you filled with doubt. My ex never could get it together very long. He had a drinking problem that took over his life. But I stayed. Four years later I had another baby boy. My two boys are my greatest loves. After the birth of my second I finally got some help. I went thru a goverment program that payed for me to get job training while getting my depression treated. Thanks to this program I could finally get the therapy and antidepressents I needed. And I finally had a skill that could get me on my own two feet. I had gone to grooming school. But I still had a few more years of depression to work thru. After the program ended I could nolonger afford the meds but I had been given the tools I needed. I had been given a foundation to recovery. I had begun to break the cycle.
But then life hit me hard again. In early 2008 I was pregnant with my third child. Every pregnancy I am hit with super sickness. My body rejects all food and water. During my first pregnancy I was had to ride the bus to school with a barf bag. I was seen running from classes routinly. My poor friends who drove me around learned quickly I ment it when I said "pull over!!" Then it lasted 4 months or so. I lost thirty pounds that December before I finally went to the ER. I needed IVs and a very expensive medicine. Luckily my docter had a large supply for free samples. It was the same meds prescribed to patients undergoing chemotherapy. A full script could cost up $800! I was so lucky that doctor had samples. I still had toxemia in the end. We both nearly died when I first went into labor with a 106 temp! But we made it. My second pregnancy was worse. I lost insurance a few months into the pregnancy cause my ex had drunk himself outta yet another job. My dr was a saint and kept me on probono and her office even gave me $100 to make it a goo Christmas for my son. I needed daily IVs thru my sixth month this time. But I successfully gave birth to my second boy. But the third pregnant hit me hard. Only six weeks into it and I was already feeling the dehydration setting in. This was the fastest I had ever been hit with it. The next week or so I was there, full on dehydration. My body was drying up. Constantly I'll and unable to stand up long enough to take care of my kids. And no insurance. I would just rinse my mouth out with water sometime cause I needed the coolness but my throat was so cracked an bleeding I didn't dare swallow. I finally went to the ER while my mom and her partner stepped in to help with the kids. I was so happy to finally be in the hands of doctors. But after a couple hours I heard whispering outside my curtain..."I've got a lady coming in with a cough" "we're outta rooms, where we gonna put her?" " she's got insurance right?" "yea" "this one doesn't, move thi on to the hall and put the lady in here" That hit me like a slap in the face. I didn't deserve the room with the best care, I deserved the hall. After a couple hours in the hall they sent me home. I begged them to give me a prescription, something to stop the vomiting. I knew a couple IVs weren't gonna cure me. I went home to listen to my children cry cause mommy was scary weak. I went back to the ER a few days later. One doctor asked why didn't I come in sooner. I was shocked! "I did! Y'all sent me home!""you have insurance?""no" "oh" then that look. I hate that look! Where the cut themselves off, give up hope of curing you and settle for "not dying" that look makes me feel less than human. They admitted me and pumped me full of IVs and and most god-awful stuff called finnergan. It's an immediate antinausia but it was never gonna help in th long run. I realize now they only ever planned on stabalizing me. Not truely helping me. The finnergan burned my veins. They became blue ropes of fire on my arms. I still hurt from that treatment. Heard they're no longer allowed to do that to anyone. Good. After 3 days my doctor came to me with sobering news. I had reached the limit of care for the uninsured. The had to discharge me. He said I would not survive long enough to get insurance. He said "in my medical opinion you need to terminate this pregnancy as soon as possible. You need to think of your other two little boys and how much they need you." "an abortion?" I asked "yes, this pregnancy will kill you. Even if you can get insurance I do not believe you will make it to full term. But we cannot do it here. You'll need to find a clinic. Good luck to ya." and then I was discharged and sent on the grim task of finding somewhere that can help me. In an awful sort of trance I called planned parenthood. And for the first tine I was told, "it doesn't matter if you can't pay, we'll help you. Don't worry" They were so kind suing this horrible time. Family had stepped in and were taking care of the boys. On the day of the appointment my father and his girlfriend took me. We pulled past a line of angry people with signs shouting at me. I'm so grateful for the wall built around the parking lot and th sympathetic looking guard keeping them out. But I could hear them and see them surging towards the gates as I walked to the door. On the hardest day of my life I was attacked and called all kinds of names. It started nice, "we'll help you! God loves you!" I wanted to shout "really?! You got an insurance company that'll cover me? Cover this!? Who will pay to save my life!" As I walked on they turned vicious, spitting and damning me to hell. I held my head high, checked in with the guard at the door and walked in. Thanks to conservative laws they weren't allowed to put me to sleep or help with any pain. All they can give you I something they said would relax me and help me forget. It didn't work. My muscles seized and I hyperventalated. I heard it all, I felt it all, I remember everything. After 11wks my third baby was an angel again. I was heartbroken and I still had to walk past all those people again. I learned not to judge. I learned you never know what someone is going thru and why they make the decisions they do. I learned how much harsh anger driven words can hurt.
I spent the next few months depressed, but my pain led me to confide in a longtime friend. He was hurting in his own way and we consoled eachother. I realized he'd always been my friend. Taught me how to catch crawdaddies in fith grade. He had helped me out years layer when I burned the skin off all my fingers, he wa so patient with my mickey mouse hands. We grew closer, then spent everyday that summer just chatting and playing. It healing. He gave my confidence with his attentions. I started taking care of myself and making possitive steps towards my future. And he had faith in me. We married last October and I'm so grateful for him. I learned to love myself with his encouragment. I started working again and have rekindled my love for writing and community.
I've seen to many people like myself to go unheard anylonger. So I've become out spoken lately. Writing to my representatives over and over. I feel if I tell my story enough it'll stick somewhere. I joined the Obama2012 campaign cause I'm still without healthcare. I work and pay my taxes but still not worthy enough to cover. All my past health issues tend to turn insurers off. I'm fighting for equal rights. Equals rights amongst the classes and for equal rights for all. My mother is still treated as a second class citizen cause of who she loves. I was treated like a second class citizen cause I was poor. My baby was one "little American" that didn't matter cause it's mommy was poor. I'm tired of all the misleading information causeing nothing but strife. When we don't learn about what's different, we don't create any kind of understanding. Our socioty blames that which is different and sees no fault in ourselves. No one is perfect and everyone has a story we could learn from. That's why I started this blog. To share my stories and hope hear your stories. Please fell free to share your stories so I can learn from you and visa versa. We can all learn from eachother. Im also needing some topics to cover or questions y'all want me to research. I'm currently reasearching my next blog but need more ideas! Thanks! Love y'all!